I was born in the North West of England which invariably gave me the right to claim the “great Northern sense of humour” that this part of the world is renowned for. It has come in handy, proved itself to be both necessary and useful. Myself and siblings didn’t have a great childhood (that’s for telling another day – maybe) but boy did we laugh! We became masters, turning sadness and tragedy into humorous accounts – pure comedy gold.
When I was diagnosed with IPF and given 3 years to live, I knew I had a choice; did I want to spend my time asking why me, sitting in a corner crying, or did I want to finish my life well, to continue to smile and to joke? I chose the latter – it was in my Northern blood.
And by the grace of God for most of the time during my illness I was able to do that. But one day, back in May 2013, it all became too much. I didn’t want to die. I loved life, I had dreams and plans that death was threatening to snatch from me. I was frightened. I call it my Darkest Day and wrote:

“Today is a bad day.
A day when I am feeling overwhelmed by this illness, by the absurdity of having a disease that is rare, incurable, an illness that is more common in men over sixty – a fact which normally makes me smile but on a bad day, this day just makes me wonder how? why?
Today is a day when the burden feels too heavy to carry.
We say God never gives us more than we can cope with but today I know he has me mixed up with someone else. I am not the person He thinks I am. I am tiny, I am weak. Today is a day I cannot do this.
Today is a day when I lose sight of hope, when I strain to hear the words, ‘everything will be ok’ and am met with silence.
Today is a day that I am lost in the tunnel, I cannot see the light at the end. Today is a dark day.
Today is a day that I stare too long into the faces of my boys, soaking in their smiles, their eyes, listen to their laughter and silently scream please don’t take me from them, let me stay. Today is a day that I beg.
Today is a day when the tears come too quickly.
Today is a sad day.”